Sweet little love
Little Daughter Divine
You're a budding flower
Whose blossoming is near
You are April
But you dream of June
And every passing day
Beauty grows from within you
Dear April child
Are you dreaming of June
Like a tender young flower awaiting summer's bloom?
Sweet April child
In the springtime of youth
What a glorious season
It is yours, let it shine through
Awaken yourself dear child
A bud begins to wake
Deep inside you are already beautiful
Let it grow inside of you
Sweet April Child
It's the spring of your youth
Cherish these precious days
Summer comes all too soon.
Dear April Child
Still Dreaming of June….
Those are the lyrics to a lovely song from the movie Rigoletto. My oldest daughter sent them to me a month ago just on a whim. They made me cry at the time. I wasn’t sure why. I thought it interesting that the name I had picked out for this 8th child was Summer and yet when I “met” my baby during my hypnobabies practice when I was about 6 weeks along, that baby I held in my hand was not Summer, but a little girl named April. Now, 6 weeks later it all makes sense to me.
In my last blog post I mentioned that I started spotting again—exactly 4 weeks after the last time. It lasted 7 days and when it was done I told Scott that I needed to do another pregnancy test just to reassure myself that I was indeed pregnant. After all, I’d had 2 different positive pregnancy tests, one after the bleeding started. So I was still pregnant, right? On Monday I took the test and was afraid to look at the results. I just had a frightening feeling it was going to be negative. It was. Maybe it was wrong, I thought. I read through the instructions thoroughly and found that I didn’t keep the test stick in the urine stream the required 10 seconds but had only done it for 3. I had to take another test. Unfortunately, I had only bought 1 test. I didn’t want to go back to Wal-mart. I had spent over an hour and a half there that morning! So I went to a nearby grocery store. While I searched for the tests Charles and Talita kept escaping and running around the store. Finally I found the shelf where they should have been. They were completely out of every brand of pregnancy test. What? Was everybody pregnant? So then I went to Smiths. They had a generic brand that looked exactly like the Wal-mart cheapie brand I had bought that morning. But it was double the price of Wal-mart’s brand! Call me cheap, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pay double. So I ended up back at Wal-mart. This time I bought the EPT brand which actually had a 3 pack on sale for slightly more than the 1 pack at Smiths. At home I waited impatiently until my bladder was fairly full and danced in the bathroom trying not to wet my pants while I unwrapped the package. I made sure I followed the instructions exactly. I was fully expecting to see the word “pregnant” on the test stick. Never have the words “Not Pregnant” been so absolutely crushing to my soul. I was stunned.
Scott came in the bathroom to find out the results. I couldn’t say anything. I just wordlessly handed him the test. He was visibly surprised and sad as well. At first I felt kind of numb, like I just couldn’t process it all. I knew it would take time. As I was getting Joshy to bed I told him that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. He didn’t quite know what I meant, so I had to say, “The baby died.” Immediately his sweet little face fell and tears filled his eyes. He began crying and I started crying too. Charles didn’t like to see either of us cry and so he told Joshy, who was crying the hardest, to stop. I told him it was okay to cry. Joshy was the happiest of all my kids that I was going to have another baby so it makes sense that it hit him the hardest. I now see great wisdom in not telling your children about being pregnant until after the first trimester is over. And yet, I don’t regret telling my kids. I think it’s a part of life and as long as loving parents are there to explain things to children, I believe it is better that we don’t shield them from the workings of life and death. Our energies are better spent shielding them from wickedness and evil and teaching them how to deal with all these things.
Anyway, I somewhat bitterly put away my pregnancy record and anything else that would remind me that I actually thought I was pregnant when I wasn’t. I knelt down waiting for Scott so we could have couple prayer before going to bed. I started to say a prayer on my own, but the tears started to flow. For some reason I just wasn’t ready to let it all out. So I quickly got up off my knees telling Heavenly Father that I just wasn’t ready yet. I talk to Heavenly Father all the time during the day so I just silently pled with Him to help me deal with this in the way that would be best. Scott said the couple prayer because he could tell that I just didn’t have the heart right then.
When I woke up the next morning and remembered everything I was again filled with sadness. As I went about getting Joshy ready for school, I just kept praying silently that Heavenly Father would help me understand it all. I was afraid I might get totally discouraged about my testing abilities and all the work I had done using The Body Code. I wondered how I could have gotten so many things wrong. I pled with HF to help me understand what I had tested correctly and what I gotten wrong. Surely, I hadn’t gotten it all wrong, had I? As I drove Joshy to school, in answer to my prayers, the ideas started coming to me.
I believe I did miscarry that second day of bleeding when I passed the large blood clot—the one that made me panic. At the time I instinctively knew I had just lost the baby, but didn’t want to believe it. I mistakenly believed that the hCG hormone would immediately be gone if the baby had died. Now I know, according to the pregnancy test instructions, that the hormone can actually stay in your body for up to two months after giving birth or having a miscarriage. So I think I actually miscarried at 7 weeks 5 days and that the baby died the Sunday before that. It actually all makes sense to me now. I hadn’t felt her sweet influence and spirit around since shortly after I “met” her at 6 weeks. It made me so sad that I couldn’t feel her spirit. I kept praying I would and wondering why she didn’t want to be around anymore. I thought she had just gone to stay with HF for a little while, but that her body was growing and all was well. I remembered how I did the HB Special Place track again after passing the large clot and this time when I went inside myself to meet her, my uterus was a dark, empty place. I can still see my spirit standing there crying out in terror and panic “Where are you? Where are you?” She was not there and I felt so utterly dark and empty. After a few weeks of wondering why she was not with me in spirit I finally asked and got an answer (when I was what I figured was 12 weeks) that I would feel her spirit again in 3 weeks.
As I drove Joshy to school the day after learning I had miscarried, it occurred to me that maybe that answer about feeling her spirit again wasn’t completely wrong. Maybe I would get pregnant again soon and I would feel a little spirit with me again then. As I pondered this I began to feel much better with the knowledge that the Lord would give me another opportunity to have a baby. Right after learning I wasn’t pregnant I had told myself that I was done and that it was my last chance to have another baby and that I just better deal with it and move on with my life. Those thoughts made me feel defeated and bitter. Believing that I would still have another child lifted those dark clouds away and gave me hope.
That night as I nursed Talita asleep, I again prayed for wisdom and understanding and the thoughts and feelings began to flow effortlessly. Occasionally as a thought would come it would be accompanied by strong, poignant, sweet emotion. It was a blessed gift from HF letting me know that it was a correct conclusion. I learned that April would not come in the next pregnancy. She will come during the millennium! It is Summer’s turn next and I will get pregnant this year. I have actually ovulated again and I believe fertilization has taken place sometime within the last 2 days. (I really hope time does not prove me wrong on this.) I think it actually happened on Monday. We did make love on Sunday and I noticed the extra mucous of ovulation on Monday and Tuesday, and also the little twinges in my uterus on Tuesday. If this is correct, it puts the birth right in the middle of summer--June 27th would be the guess date. What amazing timing! I feel I was inspired to do the pregnancy test the day I did. If I really did just get pregnant again, doing the test later would show up positive and I wouldn’t have known that it was actually a second pregnancy! The difference in timing and the growth of the baby could have really messed with my mind. Another tender mercy is that I didn’t have to sorrow and grieve for weeks because I didn’t know for weeks that I had actually miscarried. It’s all so amazing.
I am so grateful I will have the privilege of raising April in the millennium. She is too pure, too tender to come to earth at a time of such wickedness and turmoil. My peaceful dream with the light green spring grass and the rolling hills was depicting a time during the millennium. The child’s hand I was holding was Summer’s. That’s why it didn’t seem like Charles or Talita. I have been thinking about how amazingly selfless April is. HF knew that my uterus needed healing and He knew that when the crisis of miscarriage was at hand I wouldn’t rest until I got to the bottom of it. He had given me the tools I needed: The Body Code, a sweet, wonderful friend who knew reflexology, and knowledge of the herbs that would also help provide healing to my uterus. April’s mission was to prepare my body for another pregnancy. That is not her only mission, of course. And that was not her only chance to come earthside. I believe HF wants to reserve this tender, delicate soul for a time when there will be no wickedness or disease on the earth. What a glorious time that will be! I feel so blessed to have felt her sweet spirit for those few short weeks. I felt so happy to be a mother during that time, so in love with each of my children, more than I have ever felt at any time in my life. I also felt closer to Scott and he seemed to have more patience with our little ones. April’s influence on our family was divine and I look forward to feeling that again.
Now I have the opportunity to get to know another divine daughter of God, Summer Rainn. I’m excited for that. Whether it comes soon, like I think, or later on, I will trust HF and in His wisdom and timing. He truly is over all and He knows what He is doing! How I love Him! And how amazingly good He is to me!