This has been a tough week. It started with utter exhaustion, which became a head cold, which turned into a 2 day migraine. And to top it all off, my period came on Tuesday. Now, last week I had told myself that it would be okay if I wasn't pregnant--I would trust the Lord on the timing, and it would give me more time to lose my excess fat and give Talita longer to nurse. Those are all things my brain told me. But the reality is that my heart is disappointed and discouraged. By convincing myself that I had already gotten pregnant again, I think I merely postponed the sorrow and the questioning of the miscarriage until now. It's taken me several days to come to terms with all of it. Not being able to throw myself into an intense exercise/diet program because of the illness hasn't helped me deal with my non-pregnant state very well either.
Don't get me wrong, I still believe there is one more child to come to our family. The Lord was merciful enough to remind me of the unmistakable answers to prayer I had already received about that. I just don't know when it will happen, and I've never been very good at delayed gratification. So, here's another learning experience I need to go through--trusting the Lord and His timing. It's one thing to say you will, even one thing to honestly feel that you will, and another thing to feel that way all the time.
I learned something else last week as well. First, when I do get pregnant again, I absolutely am not going to tell anyone besides my husband, my kids, and this blog. I may even postpone telling my kids until I'm past the 13 week mark. What brought me to this conclusion was having an extended family member who I hadn't told about my pregnancy ask how I was feeling and if I was nauseous or not. It took me a minute to realize that her husband had told her I was pregnant. Scott had told him I was and said that he had "sworn him to secrecy" not to tell his wife. I guess he forgot that part. Anyway, I awkwardly told her I had miscarried. For a very brief moment she seemed sympathetic, but then said, "Aren't you relieved? I mean, when I heard you were pregnant I thought what if there's something wrong with the baby? At your age and eight kids?" The look on her face when she said "eight kids" was completely and totally hurtful to me. Mainly because even though most people in their right minds would question 8 kids at my age, I had known it was right. The Lord has for over a year let me know that it was right and my heart and soul agreed with it. (My brain is often another matter.) Anyway, thinking of 8 kids for our family had come to feel almost sacred because of all the divine assurances I had received, so I was quite taken aback. I didn't really say anything to her in reply because I was speechless. So I think I just changed the subject. Ali was standing there through the whole conversation and she later told me that telling somebody they should be relieved to have a miscarriage wasn't exactly a very nice or appropriate thing to say. I had to work pretty hard over the next few days to really feel like I had forgiven her. And honestly I can totally understand where she is coming from. I'm sure most people would feel the way she did. I also realized there were things going on with her life in the last little while that made it easy to say what she did. So, I don't fault her. But I realize more than ever that I don't want my family who will feel that same way to worry about me when I do get pregnant again. I know what I'm doing. I'm healthy, (got to figure out those migraines though), and I have great tools available to help me have a healthy pregnancy and baby. And above all, the Lord has reassurred me that He will help me accomplish this and that it is His will.
So now, it's back to the trenches of increasing my faith and trust. And losing that baby fat!
No comments:
Post a Comment